Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Too Full.

My head is full.

My head is full and its hard to sort through it all, much less try to explain it all.
I feel like I'm one of those clowns spinning 38 plates on tall poles and I don't know how to set any of them down gently without breaking them.

Right now, the children's band is practicing on the stage behind my office, and I'm blaring music in my office. None of the beats match. The muted sounds of a  kick drum and over-driven guitars are conflicting wildly with my banjo-filled, bluegrass worship music.
But I don't mind.
After all, my head is full. What are a few more conflicting beats to compete with the worry-filled riddles and questions of my insufficiency.

Am I doing a good job at work?
Am I loving JD the way I should?
Am I spending enough time with friends?
Is is okay that I texted my sister when I should have called her?
Did I make him angry when I said that?
Is my wedding budget too big?
Did I exercise enough last week?
Oh! That meeting...

Not to mention the spinning plates of my life with God..
Am I spending enough time in the Word?
Maybe I should have prayed more about that.
Is that Bible study the right one?
Am I spending enough time "sitting at His feet"?

It's too full. My head is too full. I keep cramming things in there and then other worries just jump in on their own. It seems as though worry is like misery: it loves company. Lots of it. Company that doesn't want to move out either.

So it got too full. 
And everything seemed like it was encroaching on my ability to think. 
Even the car radio annoyed me. Advertisements everywhere were curses as they distracted me. Television was silly and superficial conversations were good chances to escape to my own thoughts. I only had to nod my head and keep asking the right questions like, "How was your day?" for the conversation to keep going while I retreated to my too-full head.

So JD called me on it. 
I couldn't think of any other way to say it except, "My head is just so full."
He said, "We'll pray and study together tonight and maybe you can tell me some of what's in there."
So I promptly headed out to yoga class. But like I said, the car radio was even annoying to my overfilled head. 
I knew I needed to pray, but I didn't know how to get through it all. So I plugged in my phone and opened up my Bible app. (how technologically fancy I sound!) 1 Peter was the book that I read right after I came to trust the Lord. Sounds familiar and comforting. 

Chapter 2
22 He never sinned,
    nor ever deceived anyone.
23 He did not retaliate when he was insulted,
    nor threaten revenge when he suffered.
He left his case in the hands of God,
    who always judges fairly.
24 He personally carried our sins
    in his body on the cross
so that we can be dead to sin
    and live for what is right.
By his wounds
    you are healed.
25 Once you were like sheep
    who wandered away.
But now you have turned to your Shepherd,
    the Guardian of your souls.

"So that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By His wounds, you are healed. Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to your Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls." (it was worth repeating)

 Jesus sacrificed so that I can live for what is right. By His wounds, I am healed and I have turned to my Shepherd, the Guardian of my soul. What do I have to worry about? Those spinning plates don't matter anymore. They can drop, or better yet, be gently handed over to my Shepherd. 

And worries of my insufficiency as a daughter of God? 
As Uncle Si would say, "Nah." By his wounds.

My head doesn't need to be full. Let Him have it all. Jesus didn't carry our sins in his body on the cross for us to just hold on to our old lives and old worries. He didn't sacrifice for our heads to be full, constantly worrying and questioning.
Maybe for you, it takes something different to empty your head. Today, my method was listening to the Word of God and meditating on it during a drive to yoga class. Maybe yours is singing a worship song or going on vacation. But don't let your head get too full. Turn to the Shepherd, the Guardian of your soul.

On September 15th, I read a part of Psalm 40 and we sang:
"Never Once" by Matt Redman
"Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin
The kiddos sang "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman
and we responded to the message by singing "You Are For Me" by Kari Jobe - what an awesome song!

Last week, on September 22nd, we sang:
"Holy Spirit" by Bryan and Katie Torwalt
"Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship
"Lay Me Down" by Chris Tomlin & Matt Redman
"You Are My Vision" by Rend Collective Experiment (great rendition of "Be Thou My Vision" from their new album Campfire, which is a great bluegrass-y worship album)
and we responded to the message by singing "Cry In My Heart" by Starfield - an old song that I've loved for a long, long time. What a great song!

I hope that you can empty out your head and be filled with the peace of Christ sometime this week. 

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