Monday, April 8, 2013

Big and Small.

Anyone who really knows me, has ever lived/traveled with me or has been with me in nature knows that I fear 2 things. Two things alone.

The Lord. (duh. of course.)

And bugs. 

Just to be clear, I'm not a little bit afraid of bugs. I'm not a screaming, mindless little girl when it comes to bugs. I'm a sobbing, feeling-like-they-are-all-over-me, I-should-probably-get-professional-help-for-this girl when it comes to bugs.

And a few weeks ago, I had a terrible incident. I was stopped at a stop light and I flipped down my visor to check my makeup, only to find a huge spider hiding in my visor! 
I pulled over (almost wrecking) into a nearby parking lot where I got out of the car, screaming. I was very aware that I was standing outside of my car screaming in broad daylight at a busy intersection, just like all the craziest people I've ever seen, however I was unable to stop! After JD, who was behind me, lovingly pulled over, killed the bug and parked my car (I didn't drive that thing again for two days!), I began sobbing. Not the pretty kind. The makeup-down-your-face, ugly kind.

You know, some people think it's funny to joke about but when they pick up a bug and starting walking towards me, the tears convince them that it's not so funny to me. And the tears are not something that I can stop. I know it's irrational and I know that I am bigger than them, but I can't help my fear. Well, maybe a professional could, but I can't on my own!

After that bug-in-the-visor incident, I've had a few more close calls with other nasty bugs and it legitimately caused some anxiety for me. I tried to throw it away and say, "This isn't a real problem. This isn't something to get worried about. This is a fear people laugh at so stuff it away and grow up Courtney!" 

This morning, we sang "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin in worship. 

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side.

This song is so powerful when facing insurmountable tasks, where we need God as general of the angel armies. But as I was singing, I started thinking about this anxiety over a small, but powerful fear.  After I had some time to think and reflect this afternoon, I thought about all of the fears we stuff away and just try to forget. 
I started thinking about the small fears I have about friendships. What if they are mad at me for that one comment I made? What if I'm accidentally hurting their feelings?
Fears about work. What if I'm doing this small thing incorrectly? What if I'm mismanaging this one small detail? 
Fears about life in general. What if I'm not spending enough time with ___? What if their Momma's cousin doesn't like me?
What if? What if? What if?
Maybe you have some small, recurring, but powerful fears that you are trying to stuff away.
Maybe you have some fears that seem irrational to everyone else.
Maybe you have some big fears that you are wrestling with each day. 

What I realized today is that we declared, "He is a friend of mine." I know that my friends care about my big fears. They pray for me and help me seek wisdom. 

I also know that my friends squish bugs when I'm not looking. 
They take care of the small fears. And I think God was reminding me through that strange train of thought that He not only holds dearly the large fears in our lives, but the small ones. He will hold dearly those small, seemingly insignificant, stuffed-away-in-a-box fears.

I have no idea what those small fears are for you. Maybe they are fears of bugs, dogs, clowns, etc. Maybe they are small fears about whether or not someone likes you, whether you'll get the part or whether or not you'll say just the right thing. Maybe they are big fears about the diagnosis, your marriage or your career. But I do know that the Lord cares for each one, the big and the small. The ever-present and the stuffed away. And I hope you know that He cares, He sympathizes and He desires to help us and walk through our fears with us. 

Here are the songs from the past few weeks!

March 24th:
"Hosanna (Praise is Rising)" by Paul Baloche
"Cornerstone" by Hillsong
"Lord, I Need You" by Chris Tomlin
and "Walk With Me" by Jesus Culture (definitely a great song!)

and on Easter 2013, March 31st,
"Crown Him (Majesty)" by Chris Tomlin, featuring Kari Jobe
"In Christ Alone" (new version) by Kristian Stanfill
"Savior's Here" by Kari Jobe
"Thank You God for Saving Me" by Chris Tomlin
and "Come to the Water" by Kristian Stanfill.

and this morning, April 7th,
"Awake My Soul" by Chris Tomlin
"Desert Song" by Hillsong
"Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin
"Shadows" by David Crowder Band, featuring Lecrae
and "Never Once" by Matt Redman.

On Easter Sunday, if you were at the 9:15 service, you also saw Adam sing "Heaven" by Gungor. None of you knew it, but Adam was in the middle of the 6 hour stomach flu that morning! He got through 9:15 but couldn't quite make it to 10:40 service. I was humbled by his commitment to serve even though he was so ill. Thankfully, he made a quick and speedy recovery!

I hope that you are able to cast your anxieties, small or large, rational or irrational, present or buried upon the Lord this week. He is a faithful friend who is so wise and loving, especially when carrying the delicate parts of our lives! Have a great week!

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