Over the past few weeks, life has thrown ups and downs. I'm waiting on a reply for my dream job and that in itself is enough to drive you bonkers along with my sister getting married less than 3 weeks ago. (Yes.. I said bonkers) Travel plans, meetings at night, family, etc. It's all been "life" and I love it. It's been a little consuming of every moment, but I kind of like the busy-ness. It keeps me on my toes for sure.
Speaking of the job, I'm actually the interim at the job that I've applied for so it's quite difficult since I am already deeply invested in the cause and in the routine of having the job. I was approaching the interview last Friday with much unease. I am 21 years old and broke out from the stress of going to the interview. My boyfriend was kind enough to "not have noticed" and the words "You're always beautiful" followed that rehearsed quote. It made me want to barf but I know he was trying to be nice so I didn't stick my finger down my throat in disgust in front of him. I saved that for the car. Anyways, the stress of the interview was nearly killing me. I couldn't laugh, smile, cry or show/feel any other emotion. I knew that once I cried, I would feel worse and it'd be a downhill slide right into homeplate: the interview. I was too stressed to smile or laugh or think about anything else. Which, as a side note, isn't it extra-annoying when you are being self-centered and you know it, but can't help it? That is one of the worst feelings to know that you need to change your focus but absolutely can not do so. So I went on through the week just emotionally dead and praying "Lord, let me hold on until the interview."
I got into the interview and as the interviewers prayed, the Lord gently reminded me, "I created you and called you to this vocation. You have served and given of your life and I will be faithful. I made you with wonderful talents that I want you to give back to Me. Trust me. You are capable and deserving of this job, so please leave it up to Me." At that moment, I released what wasn't mine to hold onto and I smiled in my seat as the interviewers asked for blessings upon me and wisdom in their decisions.
Looking back on that week, I see the places where I did not allow the Lord to move in my life to defray some of the stress. I didn't give the stress up to Him, but merely complained about it and held onto it like a small child holds to their teddy bear. I also did not spend enough time sitting at His feet declaring who He is as my Solid Rock and my steadfastness. He is faithful, if I'd just trust Him to be so.
God doesn't always remove obstacles in our lives. I kind of think that He likes to leave them until we get the point - He wants us. To trust Him, to love Him, to be with Him - He wants us. From His view, God was watching me last week and I looked like a person continuously walk into a glass door, over and over again. I am so glad that the Lord finally met me at the glass door and helped me open it.
He is so good.
For now, I am still waiting to hear back. I can't deny that I am anxious, but I'm not an emotional stump and that's wonderful. The Lord has this way of consuming our lives when we give them up and that's a beautiful surrender to me.